nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
