Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
