you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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