smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
