Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.