dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Randomize
