Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
