Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
