i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
