You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
