Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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