Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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