Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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