I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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