Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
