it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
