First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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