just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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