Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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