I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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