So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
