Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
