Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
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Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
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Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.