discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
