If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
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The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
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...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
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