Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
