Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS