It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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