The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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