i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
