No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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