I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
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