Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.