I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
# Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
29 Super Simple DIY Drinking Games
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica