he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
