so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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