Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
