So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
