im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
i now understand why vodka
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
