we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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