I'm gonna have a badass scar
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
