I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
i love accidental penises.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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