also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
