At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
