i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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