I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
