checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
the raccoons are back...
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