ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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