Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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