I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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