If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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