I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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