So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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