you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
