"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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