it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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