PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?