Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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