I think I won the penis lottery.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
