I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize