Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
