I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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