Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
