Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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